1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,279 Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,479 Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:10,239 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,719 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,479 Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:18,119 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:23,519 Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat 8 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:27,439 The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 9 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:32,000 Horrible Histories. 10 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:40,599 Once upon a time a loving king married a beautiful queen 11 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,079 and they lived happily ever after. 12 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,719 Unfortunately this isn't that story. 13 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:50,120 It's the story of Philip II of Spain and Mary I of England. 14 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,359 Mm, if I married the Queen of England, 15 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:01,359 I'll rule the two greatest powers in the world, 16 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,439 the Spain and England. 17 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,159 Great plan, Sire. Though I should warn you 18 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:09,159 I have seen the Queen of England in an oil painting, 19 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:10,799 and she's no oil painting. 20 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:14,079 I don't care what she looks like, it's the power I'm after. 21 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,679 Oh, aren't I bad! 22 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:20,279 It was to be the happiest day of their lives. 23 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,439 We are gathered here today 24 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:26,599 to join this Queen and this King in holy matrimony. 25 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,680 Oh, happy day. 26 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,000 Time out. 27 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,679 Your Majesty, remember the plan! 28 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:43,439 If you marry Mary, you could be the most powerful man in the world. 29 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,759 But look at the state of her! Hang on. 30 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,559 I suppose I could marry her then run back to Spain, 31 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:56,079 then I'd have all the power and never have to see her again. 32 00:01:56,080 --> 00:02:00,760 Ooh, I'm so bad! Go on, you can boo if you like. 33 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,119 Right, I'm back. 34 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,639 I now pronounce you man and wife. 35 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,359 How about a kiss? 36 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,399 Why not? 37 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,440 I'm off. 38 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,880 Has anyone got any matches? I fancy burning some Protestants. 39 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,839 All right, how's it going? 40 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,440 Oh, my life, is that the time? Later. 41 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,519 Sire, your wife is dead. 42 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,359 Oh, that is a weight off. 43 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,399 Seriously, shall we have a party? 44 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:53,599 It's too soon. Ooh! I can go to England now and claim the kingdom. 45 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,679 There is a slight problem with that. 46 00:02:55,680 --> 00:03:00,679 Because you'd hardly ever been there and you're Catholic and foreign, 47 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,799 they decided to give the crown to your wife's sister. 48 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,760 Oh, the cheek of it. 49 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,159 If I marry the new Queen of England, 50 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:17,839 I'll rule the two greatest powers in the world, Spain and England. 51 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,040 Ooh! Aren't I bad? 52 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:28,279 Philip did propose to Mary's half sister Queen Elizabeth I, 53 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,039 but she turned him down. 54 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,279 I'm not sure he would have found her that much more attractive. 55 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,079 As a famous monarch I'm always being asked 56 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,879 how I keep my teeth looking so bright, white and healthy. 57 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,599 Truly, you have the most beautiful teeth in the land, your majesty. 58 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:48,799 I know. And it's thanks to all new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste. 59 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,959 The sugary paste in all- new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste 60 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,759 is made up of sugar in a paste. 61 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,759 Just rub the sugary paste all over your teeth and gums 62 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,479 and watch all that sugary goodness get to work. 63 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,159 Yes, use all new Tudor Sugar- Paste toothpaste on your teeth 64 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,399 and you too could have teeth just like Queen Elizabeth's! 65 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,839 And the best thing is, sugar is so expensive in Tudor times, 66 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,999 that only posh people can afford it. 67 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,519 Plus, buy all-new Tudor Sugar-Paste toothpaste now 68 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,119 and get this sugar mouth wash absolutely free. 69 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,999 For sugary rotten teeth that say "I'm stinking rich." 70 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,000 I'm stinking rich. 71 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,679 Argh! When you spend months at sea like us pirates, 72 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,520 you can't be too picky about what you eat now. 73 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,279 Four eager chefs, four historical eras. 74 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:46,759 But just one prize. Who will be crowned Historical Masterchef? 75 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,039 I like eating nice food. 76 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:54,320 And so do I. Ha ha ha! 77 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,039 One-eyed Bart became cook onboard pirate vessel 78 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,999 the Black Pig after he lost his arm. 79 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,239 He could no longer climb the rigging or fight in battles. 80 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:09,479 I like to think of it as not so much losing a hand as gaining a utensil. 81 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,959 Ha ha haaa! 82 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,839 - Lost it to a cutlass, so I did. - What about your eye? 83 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:19,159 Oh, no, that was my fault. I got an itch in it and forgot about the hand. 84 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,279 Ha ha ha ha! 85 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:26,319 For his first course, Bart has prepared a traditional pirate soup. 86 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:30,079 Well, the no-frills presentation is certainly original. 87 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,879 What sort of meat is it exactly? 88 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,679 It's turtle. 89 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,199 - Can't eat turtle! - Oh, sure you can, man. 90 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,199 They're the best type of food for a long voyage. 91 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,679 You flip them on to their backs so they can't, you know, scamper away 92 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,439 - and then you got all the fresh meat you want. - But aren't they endangered? 93 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,120 They are when I'm around. Argh-haha! 94 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:57,679 For his main course, Bart has prepared a spicy pirate stew. 95 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:02,919 It's called salmagundi. Dig in, fellas, dig in. 96 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:06,799 - Unusual taste combination. - What's in it? 97 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,239 You got your pork, chicken, duck, pigeon, 98 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,119 er, your whale, your seagull, your dolphin. 99 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,800 I wondered where he'd got to. 100 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:20,039 Yeah, we just keep the stew boiling away throughout the voyage 101 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,159 and throw in any meat we lay our hands on. 102 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:25,119 Do you mean to tell me that some of the meat in there 103 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:28,479 - has been stewing away for weeks? - No, no. Months. 104 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:31,919 - John, get me some water to get the taste out. - Can we get some water? 105 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,719 - TRICKLING - What are you doing? 106 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,439 Bart, what are you doing? Oh, that's happened. 107 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:40,919 Well, when you run out of water on a pirate ship, it's drink wee or die. 108 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,799 Mind you, some of me shipmates drank wee and died. 109 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,759 And some went mad. Hurrgh! Not me though, no. 110 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,159 I'm not going to drink your wee, mate. 111 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,359 Does this mean I've not got through? JOHN CHUCKLES 112 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:56,919 Bart, not in a million, billion years have you got... 113 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,959 Congratulations, you are through to the next round. Well done, mate. 114 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,559 That's wonderful news! 115 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,639 Cheers! Mmm... 116 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,639 HE GROANS 117 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,999 Tchuh! You'd have to be pretty hungry to eat a rat. Ow! 118 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:14,839 Unless, of course...ow! ..you were a flea. Ow! Stop it, Marcus. 119 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,439 As well as some strange eating habits, 120 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,559 pirates had some truly bizarre superstitions. 121 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,639 Ow! Enough already! Huhhh! 122 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,839 Pirate weather forecast with Captain Saltybeard. 123 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:31,359 Ahoy my hearties, and welcome to the pirate weather forecast, 124 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:35,439 predicting the weather using the very latest pirate superstitions. 125 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,839 Arrr! Now a black cat was seen on a boat today, 126 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,719 so tomorrow should be dry and sunny. 127 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:46,039 Unless some scurvy land-lubbing knave has thrown that black cat 128 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:50,039 out of the ship, in which case there will be wind and rain. 129 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,879 Though not if you can see an albatross! 130 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,239 Because if you can, it'll be lovely and sunny. 131 00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,879 Unless some weevil-eyed bilge for brain shoots it out of the sky! 132 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,279 As that'll cause thunder and lightning 133 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:07,319 and hail stones, which could make for a bit of a rough voyage. 134 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,839 You'll be as sick as a parrot! As was my parrot. 135 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,999 Looking ahead for the rest of the week, 136 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,999 if you're sailing on Friday, don't. 137 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,199 That's unlucky, it's when evil witches gather! 138 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,039 And remember, if you're out on the high seas, 139 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,519 then do please watch out for pirates. 140 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,760 Cos we're coming to get ya! Good night. 141 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:34,799 Some of the things poor Victorians did for money 142 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,079 were pretty horrible to say the least. Good day. 143 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,280 MUSIC: EASTENDERS THEME 144 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:48,239 Oh! You're home early, how was your day at work? 145 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:51,639 Yeah, not bad, Mummy. Mustn't grumble, mustn't grumble. 146 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:55,559 It smells like you collected enough dog poo for the leather tanner. 147 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:59,639 Yeah, and then the boss told me to stir all the poo in the tub. 148 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,719 Oh, you're moving up in the world! 149 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,759 Before you know it, he'll be paying you as well. 150 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:09,199 - Cor, imagine! - Hello kids! Oh, there she is! Come here, you. 151 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,199 Father, really! I've only just washed this outfit today. 152 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,639 All right, sorry. Though tonight we have something to celebrate. 153 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:19,920 Feast your mince pies on this. 154 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,399 It's a handful of poo. 155 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,959 Well, yeah. But look closer and... 156 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:30,679 - Wow, a penny! - Oh, ain't you clever! 157 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:33,119 Your old man has been out toshing. 158 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:37,959 There I was traipsing my way through mile after mile of poo-filled sewer, 159 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,079 looking for coins that had been dropped by the posh, 160 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,279 when suddenly there it was, glinting away at me in the darkness. 161 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:49,679 - Woah! - Well, after that hard day's work, what you both need 162 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:52,040 is a nice hot bath. 163 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:58,239 Oh, that's what I love about you, Mother, your sense of humour! 164 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,119 - As if we have hot water. - Or a bath. Ha ha ha! 165 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,839 Oh, and that's not the only good news. 166 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:09,319 I've only gone and got myself an evening job, as a night soilman. 167 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,919 - Cor! - From now on, your old man's going to spend his evenings 168 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:16,359 collecting buckets of poo from other people's outside lavvies. 169 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:20,319 Oh, and to think my father said you'd never amount to anything! 170 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,959 Come here. BABY CRIES 171 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,359 Oh, hey up. 172 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,839 Think her nappy needs changing. I think it must be your turn. 173 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,520 No, no way. That is disgusting. 174 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:37,279 The practice of toshing for coins was only possible after 1865 175 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:41,039 when Joseph Bazalgette invented the London sewer system, 176 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,719 or as I like to call it, home. 177 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:47,799 Before then, living conditions were even more unhealthy. 178 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,279 Fortunately Victorian medicine was highly sophisticated. 179 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,679 Yeah, right(!) 180 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,119 Don't worry, Jenny. I've called an ambulance, 181 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:57,719 they'll be here any minute. 182 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,959 - Make way, make way, make way! - Historical paramedics. 183 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,239 - You're paramedics? - Better. We're historical paramedics. 184 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:08,919 - From Victorian England. God save the Queen! - God save the Queen! 185 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,119 Now what appears to be the ailment? 186 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,559 It's my sister, we were coming back from town 187 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,759 and she has these terrible stomach pains. 188 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,639 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 189 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,799 - That top hats are fabulous? - No. They are. 190 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,599 I'm thinking that this lady has tapeworm. 191 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,479 I concur. Nigel, fetch me our sharpest blade. 192 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,759 - You need to operate? - No. I simply need to cut up this bacon, 193 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,319 and fry it in close proximity to the patient. 194 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:34,159 The smell should tempt the tapeworm out of her stomach 195 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,879 because it wants to eat the bacon, thus curing her. 196 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,559 - And does this bacon cure work? - Infrequently. 197 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,919 - How infrequently? - Never. - Jeff, look! 198 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:45,079 - She has some inflammation, it looks like a boil. - I concur. 199 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,999 - Nigel, apply the warm porridge. - No, she's always had that. 200 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,399 A wart, then. Nigel, this lady, this women, 201 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:55,159 is riddled with warts. Bury some string in the ground immediately. 202 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,519 - It's not a wart, it's a birth mark! - Is it? 203 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,759 Hang on, I hear wheezing and congestion. 204 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,519 - She's got a cold. - BOTH: - A cold?! 205 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,119 - Nigel, fetch me a sock. - A sock? 206 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,199 Don't worry, sir. A sweaty sock tied about the throat 207 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:12,079 is thought to be the best cure for even the most persistent of colds. 208 00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,799 And that one is really sweaty. 209 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,999 - I only change them once a week in case they're needed. - Sugar. - Treacle. 210 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,959 That's an excellent cure for a cough. 211 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,479 Mixed, of course, with beer, rum and vinegar. 212 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:27,079 - Open up. - Get it down you, girl. In there. 213 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:31,039 - What about the stomach pains? - SHOUTS: Does your tummy still hurt? 214 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,839 - Oh, looks like ear ache. - Nigel, fetch me a potato. 215 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,639 What potato? 216 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:39,399 The topical application of a potato makes an excellent cure for ear ache. 217 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,159 There we are, right as rain. 218 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:44,559 No need to thank us, sir. Your smile is thanks enough. 219 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,399 SIREN WAILS A proper ambulance! 220 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,679 - Soon they will be upon us, we must flee. - Run away! 221 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,199 - Run away. - Hop away. 222 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,759 Oh, no! 223 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:57,319 Those historical ones have been here again. Jane, bring some sponges. 224 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:02,520 Oh, and maybe a pan. I think there's some bacon going. 225 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,119 This is Stone Age Dragon's Den. 226 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,679 It's about 1.5 million years ago 227 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,879 and an early homo sapien thinks his amazing new invention 228 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,079 might interest the Dragons. 229 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:21,119 Hello Dragon, me name Ugg. 230 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,519 Me present this. 231 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,039 - Oh, not again. - How many times... 232 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:31,439 we already have stone, it's Stone Age. Me out. 233 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,879 - Me out. - No, no, wait. 234 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,999 Looky, watch. 235 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,719 Ugg's running out of time to impress the Dragons. 236 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:43,119 Can his new use of stone win them over? 237 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,999 Heh, heh... me call it fire. 238 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,159 - Oh. - Fire! - Fire! 239 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:51,879 ALL: Fire! 240 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:55,519 It looks like the Dragons have declared themselves out. 241 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,639 Aaahh! 242 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,560 Oh, me invent burnt finger. 243 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,479 What we call the Stone Age actually covers lots of different sub-eras. 244 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,559 There's the Palaeolithic, the Mesolithic, the Neolithic. 245 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:15,159 It's quite complicated, what's the best way of explaining it? 246 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,319 Oh, I know, a song! 247 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:20,879 I'm sure you've heard the Stone Age occurred 248 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:24,279 For 2.5 million years 249 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,039 But there's more of Stone Age to engage 250 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:31,199 Than maybe it first appears 251 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,679 Dinosaurs, Neanderthals, let's make this clearer 252 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,079 Didn't live together, came from different eras 253 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,479 That's not all I can tell ya so much more to be known 254 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,199 About the many phases in the ages of Stone 255 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,399 Shooby dooby do wah, it's all the rage 256 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:50,279 To skiddly-bup do wah Brush up on you Stone Age, oh, yeah 257 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,159 All right 258 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,719 It's fine to define an era Palaeolithic 259 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,799 But you're gonna have to be a little more specific 260 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,879 Do you mean lower when ancient beings first used tools 261 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,959 Or Middle Palaeolithic when Neanderthal ruled 262 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,679 That's when homo sapien starts to emerge 263 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,719 But just in Africa, it's long before the global surge 264 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,799 Not till Upper Palaeolithic 40,000 years ago 265 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,999 Did Neanderthal and homo sapiens say hello 266 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,039 Neanderthal and homo sapi 267 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,999 Living in cave man harmony 268 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,679 Language was invented, cave painting art 269 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,599 Then Palaeolithic ended which meant the start 270 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,759 Of phase two-be-doobu-do-wop Turn a new page 271 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,559 Skiddly bup doo wah Bug up on the Stone Age 272 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,919 Oh yeah All right 273 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,799 This is where it starts to get all scientific 274 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,279 Palaeolithic's followed by the era Mesolithic 275 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:45,399 Then Neanderthals are wiped out by the Ice Age horrific 276 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,559 After which the Neolithic age was terrific 277 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,359 Man learned to farm, build homes so they could settle 278 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,359 Then some other folks turned up and they discovered metal 279 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,159 Bigger men from Europe found bronze and outgrown 280 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:00,279 The simple and traditional ways of stone 281 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,159 Bronze age was invented By now man was flying 282 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,559 Cos hot on its heels came the age of iron 283 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,159 Celts, druids, religion then Rome 284 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,479 By now a distance memory, those ages of stone 285 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,319 Shooby dooby do wah Since that metallic stage 286 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,759 Skiddly bup do wah There was no more Stone Age 287 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:21,039 Shooby dooby do wah Now you know what is known 288 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,199 About the many phases of the ages of stone 289 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:28,880 Yeah... All right! 290 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,439 Welcome back to Stone Age Dragon's Den. 291 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,439 It's nearly a million and a half years later. 292 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,759 Not much has been invented since fire, 293 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:42,199 but Stone Age man has had a sudden burst of creativity. 294 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,879 It's time for Arg to enter the den. 295 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,799 Hello, Dragons. 296 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,439 Me name Arg. 297 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,560 Me invent this, right. 298 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:59,199 - What is? - It change world. OK? It wheel, you wheel things, right? 299 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,279 What wrong with drag things? No! Me out. 300 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:05,239 Have you invented anything useful? I'm a busy man. 301 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,079 Arg has one last chance to impress the Dragons. 302 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:11,760 Me also invent this, right? 303 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:21,479 - What is? - Is beer. Me make from barley. 304 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,039 It grown-up drink. Not for kids. 305 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,519 It make me feel very dizzy. 306 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,759 Argh! Me invent big headache. 307 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,599 - SLURS: - We give you plenty money. 308 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,599 - Yes! - Light weights. 309 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,839 Arg's beer has made a big impact, 310 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,999 and for the first time in the den all the Dragons are in. 311 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,720 Now all Arg needs to invent is a cure for the headache. 312 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,799 Welcome back to HHTV Sport, 313 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,879 bringing you live sporting events direct from the past. 314 00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:00,799 Today we've got exclusive coverage of the Olympics from ancient Greece, 315 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:04,879 so let's go over to our commentary team in the year 400BC. 316 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,799 Good afternoon, welcome to this afternoon's coverage. 317 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,199 We're all set for the finals of the sprint 318 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,919 which should be taking place in a couple of minutes. 319 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,679 The athletes are naked... They're naked. 320 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,559 The athletes are actually naked! Ha ha ha ha... 321 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:22,599 - They're not ready, they're not ready. - No, we are ready, we run naked. 322 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:26,439 - Over to you, Tanni. - It's how we run, man, it's an ancient Greek thing. 323 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:30,279 OK! Over to you, Tanni, with the women's events please. 324 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:34,999 Hi, I'll be covering all the women's events of these Olympics. 325 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:39,199 Oh, erm...I'm just hearing there are no women's events. 326 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,359 Women aren't allowed to take part at these Olympic games. 327 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,959 Apparently they're not even allowed to watch! 328 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:48,079 I guess it's an ancient Greek thing. Back to the studio. 329 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,639 Right. Well, while we wait for something we can actually cover, 330 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,839 let's just catch up with the Olympic medal table so far. 331 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,319 Greece doing pretty well there, as you'd expect, 332 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,719 no-one else is competing. 333 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,439 So Greece top of the table there and indeed bottom. 334 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:05,359 Speaking of bottoms, let's go back to John. 335 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,239 Hello again. I'm pleased to say I'm standing with 336 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,439 the fully clothed Euphemius. 337 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:13,359 Er, shouldn't you be getting ready? You're on in a minute. 338 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,559 I am ready. This is how we race. 339 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,999 I thought you guys ran in the nude. 340 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,599 No, no, no. This race is the hoplomachi. 341 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,919 We run the whole thing in full armour, 342 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,919 show off our military prowess. 343 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,679 But it's just a running race. Why do you need a shield? 344 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,679 It's an ancient Greek thing. 345 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:33,359 When you're this close to the javelin area, it comes in handy. 346 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,719 Over to you, Richard. 347 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:39,679 Thank you, John. I'm here for an update on the pankration. 348 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,519 So what is that, I hear you ask? 349 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:45,399 It's two men fighting, only with no gloves and even fewer rules. 350 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,959 Here to tell me all about it is the winner, Krugas. 351 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:51,599 I'm Daxemonos, the loser. Erm, that's Krugas, he's the winner. 352 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:55,199 Ah! Isn't he, erm...well, dead? 353 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:59,159 Yes. See, in pankration, you're not supposed to kill your opponent. 354 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,559 I did, and, er... so I got disqualified. 355 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,999 So technically Krugas is the winner. 356 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,039 Don't tell me, it's an ancient Greek thing. 357 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,959 So why don't you talk us through it? 358 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,839 Well, thing is, I've got pretty sharp nails on my hand. 359 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,999 When I hit him in the stomach I sort of pulled his guts out. 360 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,879 Coming up next... my lunch. 361 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:23,680 - Back to the studio. - You all right, mate? 362 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:41,520 "Be careful" would have been good advice for this Greek sportsman. 363 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,039 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths 364 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,199 They're funny cos they're true 365 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,799 Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths 366 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,039 Hope next time it's not you! Ha-hee. 367 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:58,199 Yes! Finished my Sudoku. I'm a genius. 368 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,919 Er, yes, well, it did take me eight hours. 369 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,999 You couldn't just let me have my moment of glory, could you? 370 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,519 Hmm? Had to undermine me. 371 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:07,799 Next! 372 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:11,319 Hello, looks like we've caught a big one. And you are? 373 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:15,279 Milo of Croton, six times Olympic wrestling champion 374 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:19,359 and famous all-round strongman if you can believe that. 375 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,079 And what do you do? 376 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,439 One time I picked up and carried a fully grown bull on my shoulders. 377 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:28,679 Oh, very impressive. But can you finish a Sudoku? 378 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,319 Thought not. 379 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:33,239 I could pick you all up and carry you in one hand though. 380 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:36,479 Well, that's a very generous offer but perhaps some other time. 381 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,199 Right then, come on, let's hear it. 382 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,519 You know, the stupid death. 383 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,999 As in the jingle... Stupid death, stupid death... 384 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:49,039 Oh, the thing, yeah. Well, I was walking through a forest one day, 385 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,559 and I came across this, this big tree trunk 386 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,559 with this split down the middle. 387 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,599 - Yes. - I can't resist an opportunity to show off 388 00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:01,239 my tremendous physical strength so I pushed my arms into the hole 389 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:04,199 to, like, pull the tree in two with my bare hands. 390 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,839 - Yes. - Turns out it's quite a narrow gap 391 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,759 and I got me arms stuck in the hole, couldn't move. 392 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:14,999 - Yes. - Long story short, I got eaten alive by wolves. 393 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,079 Ha ha ha ha! 394 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,079 You got, he got... 395 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,199 Argh! Ha ha! You plonker. 396 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:24,719 You spent too much time working on these muscles 397 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:27,959 - and not enough time working on this muscle. - I don't get it. 398 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,519 The brain and things like Sudoku... 399 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:34,079 Oh, forget it. My talents are wasted on these people, honestly! 400 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:38,599 You're through to the afterlife. ..Yeah, it's through the door there. 401 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,999 The door, the gap in the wall. 402 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:47,599 The thing you can move through. Go through it, go. 403 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,439 Honestly, ho-ho-ho... Next! 404 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,519 Stupid death, stupid death 405 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,960 Hope next time it's not you! Hoo hoo! 406 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,319 Everyone knows a man's best friend is his dog. 407 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:08,079 Never was this more true than for Cavalier Price Rupert. 408 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,599 I don't know what you call a fly without wings. 409 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:14,319 But I suggest you either put it out of its misery or call the RSPCA. 410 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:15,959 A walk? 411 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:20,199 Is this some kind of joke? 412 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:21,599 Good day to you, madam. 413 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:25,359 Prince Rupert, general in his majesty's Cavalier army, 414 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,919 - at your service. - Oooh! 415 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:31,439 I'm usually suspicious of you historical types, 416 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,399 but you seem like a proper gentleman. 417 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:38,159 - Nephew of King Charles I, no less. - How can I help you? 418 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,599 I would like to buy a poodle. 419 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,799 Oh, shouldn't be a problem. Any particular kind of poodle? 420 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,439 A white one that does a dance 421 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,399 anytime it hears the name of my uncle, King Charles I. 422 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,719 - He's my uncle, did I mention? - You did. 423 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:54,159 Poodles are highly intelligent so that shouldn't be a problem. 424 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,559 And I'd like him to cock his leg and do a little pee 425 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,359 every time here hears the name Pim. 426 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,879 Pim? 427 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,399 Roundhead commander, my sworn enemy. 428 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:07,679 - My old dog Boy used to be both those tricks. - And what happened to him? 429 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,839 I used to take him into battle with me and he sort of got shot. 430 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,479 Battles are no places for dogs! Out of here before I set mine on you. 431 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,519 And this one doesn't pee 432 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,559 when you say the work Pim. WATER TRICKLES 433 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:22,360 - Oh, will you look at that! - Can he dance? 434 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,759 That's 100% accu-rat! 435 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,679 Whenever someone said the word Pim, Price Rupert's poodle did a pee. 436 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,279 Or did his peedle do a poo? One or the other. 437 00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:38,319 So we're done with the silly sketch about a dead dog. What's up next? 438 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:41,039 Hm, what's that? A sketch featuring a dead horse? 439 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,959 Nice. 440 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,399 This is the biggest day of Alodia's life. 441 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:51,399 Sadly no bridesmaid. She's a bit under the weather, plague. 442 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,759 She's about to get married to her fiance Dagle 443 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,479 who has planned the entire wedding himself, 444 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,919 without any input from his young bride. 445 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,719 Is this on straight? 446 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:05,679 But will it be a day to remember or one she'd rather forget? 447 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,599 Right then, let's do it. 448 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:12,160 This is Historical Don't Tell The Bride. 449 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,559 Alodia's parents don't approve of Dagle, 450 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,159 so they've refused to give her away. 451 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,879 So she's made her way to the church alone. 452 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:24,639 - Darling, you look wonderful. - So do you. Is everything ready? 453 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:28,279 - Absolutely. - Right then. Shall we? 454 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:32,359 - Where are you going? - Into the church to get married. 455 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:34,199 Yeah, probably should have said, 456 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,159 - there's been a bit of a change of plan. - What? 457 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,199 Without their parents' blessings, 458 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,639 Dagle found that a church wedding was out of the question, 459 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,839 so in a break from family tradition, 460 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:50,119 Dagle and Alodia are to be married...by a tramp. 461 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:53,759 Darling, this is our new priest. 462 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:57,399 - He looks like a tramp. - I am a tramp. 463 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:00,919 - He said "I am a tramp". - I heard. Why are we getting married by a tramp? 464 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,599 Oh, he's a priest as well, sort of! 465 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,839 He's just a travelling tramp one. 466 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:09,519 They call themselves stroller priests. He's really good value. 467 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,719 Good value? Is it even legal? 468 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:14,359 That is a very good question, 469 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:17,999 and in answer to that I'd like to say your hair looks lovely. 470 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,920 What? It does! I'm not... 471 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:25,999 While stroller weddings aren't recognised by law, 472 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,199 many young couples feel that such a ceremony in some way 473 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,399 cements their union in the eyes of God. 474 00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:34,999 Though some elements of the stroller ceremony are a little unusual. 475 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,839 - What's that? - Some leaves. 476 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,839 - Underneath the leaves. - Oh, that? 477 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,359 That's a dead horse. 478 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,719 Why is there a dead horse at my wedding? 479 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:46,639 It's fine, it's part of the ceremony. 480 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:50,479 - Can we just get on with it please, mate? - Do you...? 481 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,279 - Oh, yes, I do. - What about you? 482 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,279 'Spose so. 483 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,319 - Right, shake hands over the dead horse. - What? 484 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,599 You heard. 485 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,199 There we are, very nice. 486 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:08,799 By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. 487 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,840 You can have a kiss or whatever. 488 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,959 One for the priest? 489 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:18,799 There. Wasn't that better than some stuffy church wedding? 490 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,159 - No. - Oh, come on! At least it was memorable. 491 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:25,839 Believe me, every time you look at my face, you'll remember this day. 492 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:27,679 When you put it that way! 493 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,600 'Scuse me, do you by any chance do stroller divorces? 494 00:27:31,601 --> 00:27:37,559 Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... 495 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:40,239 Want some more Horrible Histories? 496 00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,319 Then come with me down the time sewers. 497 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,799 Just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. 498 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,799 See you down there! 499 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:51,439 Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! 500 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,119 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 501 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:54,920 Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk 502 00:27:54,970 --> 00:27:59,520 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0